Shalom bait — peace in the house🕊
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❓How to solve family difficulties, guided by the principles of the Torah📌The Talmud saysthat one who dreams of a river, a cauldron, or a bird can hope for peace.Before the wedding, many men who follow the laws of the Torah undergo a cycle of classes devoted to the alachic aspects of marriage. However, only a few get a clear idea of how to behave in married life and what to expect from it. Most often, they take only general sublime truths out of these classes: that marriage makes a young man a real man, that the right attitude towards marriage fills life with holiness, and the Jewish home becomes a center of Torah and Hesed (kindness).Unfortunately, all these well-known truths often lack the most important factor in a happy marriage: for them to become a reality, the husband and wife must learn to live in harmony. And this cannot be achieved without constant work on one's own character.📌Shalom bait (peace in the family)belongs to the most intimate areas of human life. Quarrels between husband and wife usually occur without witnesses: shyness forces spouses to hide even the slightest signs of family misunderstanding. Because of this, when faced with difficulties, people often experience them as a personal defeat, feel hopelessness and shame, which prevents them from seeking help.Therefore, husband and wife feel great relief when they learn that their seemingly purely personal problems are very common, and situations that lead to family conflicts are quite typical. This awareness brings back hope and helps to find a way to resolve difficulties.❗The Talmud saysthat one who dreams of a river, a cauldron, or a bird can hope for peace. These three symbols represent the three levels of good human relationships. At the same time, they describe the three stages of the development of a happy marriage, which are the basis of this book.At the simplest level, peacemeans only the absence of conflict. This condition occurs when two people or two groups interact only for their own benefit. Despite constant contacts, each remains a separate, independent person.The symbol of such peace is the river. The river has long been a trade route between the cities. It combines two separate societies that cooperate only insofar as it is mutually beneficial.The second, higher level of peaceoccurs when two or more people come together to achieve a common goal that neither of them could achieve alone. Builders of various professions build a skyscraper together, corporations create alliances, and states conclude defense contracts. In all these cases, success is possible only through joint efforts.The symbol of such peace is a cauldron.In the cauldron, food is prepared through the interaction of water and fire. Only water will not cook food, but only moisten it. The fire itself will burn everything. But when water is heated in a cauldron under the influence of fire, it boils, creating the necessary conditions for cooking. Thus, the cauldron makes possible the fruitful coexistence of two opposites.The bird symbolizes the third — the highest — level of harmony.It has two almost incompatible abilities: to live on earth and at the same time to fly in the sky. These properties are inextricably linked in one organism. The way a bird moves on the ground is related to the way it flies and vice versa.The bird represents a world in which two separate entities have become one. They no longer just cooperate, but create a new community. Just as individual states make up a single state, their separateness is no longer central — they are part of a single whole.Similarly, marriage can exist on each of these three levels depending on how deeply the husband and wife interpenetrate each other's lives.The lowest level of marriage is the peace of the river. Each spouse honestly performs their duties tothe other, but at the same time they live mainly a separate life. They have learned to avoid conflict, but their emotional intimacy remains weak.The second level is the world of the cauld— can be seen in families who together strive to achieve common goals that are unattainable for each individual. Combining their efforts, the husband and wife begin to realize that they would not be able to fulfill their duties without the contribution of another. It is then that an emotional connection is born between them, based on mutual dependence.The very nature of married life leads to such a level of peace. One cannot simultaneously be the breadwinner of the family and completely manage the household. One cannot be both a father and a mother at the same time. To create a full-fledged family life, everyone needs a partner.Co-management and parenting create interdependence, and with it, the bond between husband and wife.However, at this stage, love still belongs to the type mentioned in the Mishnah, Avot treatise:is “love that depends on a particular cause.” For many people, marriage becomes only a means to their own ends. When these goals are achieved, what brought them together also disappears.That is why there are well-known cases of divorce after the children have grown up and left their parental home. This happens to a spouse who has never gone beyond the level of the "cauldron". When the physical attraction weakens, the children become independent, and the wife no longer needs such support from her husband, and common goals disappear. Then the words of the Mishnah come true:“When the cause disappears, so does love.”The highest level of family peaceis the world of the bird, that is, the complete interpenetration of personalities.Such peace is born when each of the spouses identifies with the other so deeply that it no longer perceives itself as a separate being. Their relationship becomes so important that a bond emerges between them that transcends mere mutual benefit or dependence.Everyone feels the needs of the other as keenly as their own. Everyone is equally happy with the opportunity to give and the opportunity to receive. There is almost no separate "I" — there is only "we".This is how selfless love is born, which cannot be explained by any rational reasons.The Prophet Malachi described this level of marriage in the words:“For she is your companion and the wife of your covenant.”This is an extremely in-depth description of the highest level of harmony. After all, the Hebrew word brit ("covenant") is related to the word briya ("creation"). Two members of such a union become part of a new creation — a new unity. That is why their union acquires the highest perfection.This is the world of the bird, when the two parts become one.How to achieve such a level of married life?The answer is that the peace of the bird is based on the peace of the cauldron, and the peace of the cauldron is based on the peace of the river.Only by learning to live in elementary human harmony (river level) can people successfully work next to each other. And it is only by co-creating a family (cauldron level) that they gain the trust that ultimately makes them truly one (bird level).This is what our sages mean when they say that he who sees a river, a cauldron and a bird in his house will achieve complete success in marriage.Most marriages stumble already at the first level — the river level. People have just never been taught to treat each other with respect, sensitivity, without irritation and anger.That is why a significant part of this book is devoted to this level of relationship. It examines what marriage is from the perspective of the Torah, what responsibilities husband and wife have, how they should treat each other, how to learn to understand a woman's needs, and how to master their own anger.Solving these issues becomes the foundation of a strong bond based on love and common service to common goals. This is the only way to prepare the ground for achieving the highest level of marital relations:“For she is your companion and the wife of your covenant.”NotesBrachot 56b. Some of the ideas are based on the comments of the Vilna Gaon in "Beurei Agra la Agadot", treatise "Brachot".Mishnah, Avot 5:16.The Prophet Malachi 2:14.It is published with the permission of the publishing house "Shvut Ami".source: https://toldot.com/